When we last gathered ‘round the TV to catch up with Bon Temps’ sexy assortment of supernaturals and conflicted mortals, we found ourselves wading waist-deep in the ongoing plot exposition of this season’s too many new characters and storylines.
But last night, we finally got down to business and settled into the “True Blood” we love and ignore our husbands for.
So, after an attempt to gather intelligence on Bill’s whereabouts ended in an angry snarl of leather and hair product, we find Sookie tending to the physical and emotional wounds of Alcide, who continues to pine for his former fiancée – the as-yet-unseen Debbie Pelt. Debbie, as it turns out, has moved on, and is to be betrothed to Operation Werewolfer - and Bill-kidnapper - Coot.
Then Bill calls Sookie to tell her they can no longer be together and, to add insult to injury, that he and Lorena have just made sweet, sweet vampire love. (I feel like every time we hear from Bill he should be accompanied by a "Debbie Downer"-esque sad trombone. Just me? OK, then. Moving on.)
The call is abrupt and cold, and with this being her first breakup, Sookie is understandably devastated. The Ugly Cry commences (been there, girlfriend) and it’s Alcide’s turn to do the consoling. There’s a brief spark of something that Alcide has to go and ruin when the writers of this episode senselessly send him off in search of a shirt.
Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps, Sam continues to make a compelling argument against pursuing genealogy as a hobby. He discovers that not only has his skeevy, long-lost shifter brother Tommy attempted to burgle him, but his skeevy, long-lost parents have set up camp in the Merlotte’s parking lot after being run out of town back home. A heart-to-heart with Tommy later in the episode leads Sam to offer the Mickens clan a place to stay until they’re back on their feet, a decision I suspect he’ll soon come to regret.
As always, Merlotte’s is a beehive of activity. While the entire Bon Temps Police Department celebrates Sheriff Bud Dearborne’s retirement, a gaggle of underage drinkers cheers on the local football hero. Andy Bellefleur is appointed sheriff in Bud’s absence and Jason, determined to join the ranks, guilts Andy into putting him on the fast track to becoming one of Bon Temps’ finest.
Arlene, Merlotte’s sole dependable waitress, already overwhelmed by her new-found baby mamadom (courtesy of deceased nutcake René), has one more reason to worry when Sam hires baby vamp Jessica as a hostess. Apparently redheads score the best tips. Who knew?
And then there’s Tara. Poor troubled Tara. You’d think she’d be cut a little slack after spending most of last season in a bug-eyed trance, but after falling in with shady newcomer vamp Franklin Mott, things aren’t looking so hot.
Franklin glamours Tara into telling him everything she knows about Sookie’s telepathic abilities. While under his spell, Tara calls Sookie in an attempt to pin down her location. Eventually, in what has to be the creepiest date ever, Franklin and a bound Tara speed off into the night toward Jackson where – surprise! – they arrive at the home of Mississippi Vampire King Russell Edgington.
Here’s where things start to get sparky. During a tête-à-tête over cigars and snifters of O+, Bill tells Russell that in exchange for his loyalty, he wants Lorena out of the picture. Permanently. He then confides that Eric is in cahoots with Louisiana’s Queen Sophie-Anne to sell vampire blood. Gleeful over the chance to sic the vampire Magister on his nemesis, Russell takes the gang out for a night on the town and orders Bill to procure dinner for the evening. Cue ominous music.
In short order, Fangtasia is raided by the Magister and his henchmen. The raid yields a cooler full of vampire blood that Pam is (painfully) held accountable for. Eric arrives and backs Pam when she declares that Bill is to blame for the blood. The Magister then promises that Pam will see the business end of his snappy two-in-one scalding/staking device if Eric does not produce Bill within two days.
In Jackson, Sookie decides to stay put until she can confront Bill about their breakup. She convinces Alcide to accompany her to Debbie’s engagement party so she can try and find out more about Bill’s whereabouts and so he can see that he’s better off without Debbie.
When they arrive, the engagement party is in full swing and we finally get to meet Debbie Pelt! Glassy-eyed and reminiscent of the winner of a Tiffany look-a-like contest, Debbie has zero intention of reuniting with Alcide and crowd surfs her way toward her Operation Werewolf betrothal. The ringleader of said ceremony? None other than Russell Edgington. He opens a vein and provides the assembled weres with a round of shots. Things quickly devolve as the group begins to shift en masse and Alcide snarls at Sookie to flee.
You’ll be thrilled and delighted to know that Russell makes it back in plenty of time to enjoy dinner. I don’t know about you, but I was totally bummed out by that ending. You know what they say, when this limo’s a rockin’, there’s a stripper with a fatalistic world view being drained inside.
Until next week, chers. In the meantime, tell me what you thought of last night’s episode!
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